Love isn't a bad thing to say

Broken. I'm overbearing. It was cold. I waited... I waited for that contact .I'm alone again. Damn Anxiety. I'm angry. I'm distraught. I tried to hold it together. Make it feel good or right. I tried to grasp the passion that I longed for and the other didn't really feel anything. Trying doesn't get you anywhere. I put it all out there... I put it all on the line. Again. My heart is always on the line. It's never calm. It's always on a high or it's broken. I knew it was coming. It doesn't make it hurt any less. I told you so is a terrible phrase. I hate it. I FEEL LIKE I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE RIGHT TO HURT because I knew it was coming. Everyone did. Everyone judged. I told you so. It truly shakes me to my core and I'm slow to anger. No one knew how I felt. No one knew what that whole experience meant to me. I need support. This freaking post probably doesn't even make sense. I'm tired. I'm worn out. I've lost all my tread. Apparently I'm too sensitive. Its true. I need stability. I need a lot of things. Actually I want a lot of things. For being such a self sacrificing personality I'm selfish. I don't care anymore. I'm beating myself over something I cannot control. Typical. Everyone sees it. Everyone calls me on it. Everyone calls me on my worrying problems. Thats not all I am. I feel guilty. I didn't bring enough to the table. I'm just broken. Crying doesn't get you anywhere. No one can mend you. Your the only one that can hold the needle and sew yourself back up but you want someone to be there to watch. To be your support. It's hard being me. I struggle. A lot. I'm never empty. I'm scared. I'm scared of myself. Others don't see me as being a scary person. I'm the scariest person I know. Love isn't a bad thing to say. When I say it I mean it. When I say it to the people close to me I want them to soak it in and know that I am there for them. I don't mean to make people feel uncomfortable when I say it. I really don't. I FEEL. THATS ALL I DO. When I have an impulse to say something deep or say I love you I'm need/want to say it. I said it to someone close to me and he asked me why...He asked me why I said it so much. It hurts so bad to think about it and It's going to haunt me. It's going to haunt me for a long time. It died. The love that I had just died.

June 9th

June 9th...

Finally. I finally get to see Teddy. I talked to his mom last night and they have been very generous to fly me out for Teddy's graduation on the 13th. I get to see him in 22 days. Finally. I don't even know what I'm going to do when I see him.I have an idea but who knows how things will turn out. Do we ever know how things are going to turn out. That's one of the scariest things about life.

I had a good friend ask me about my blog last night. She asked why I don't write on my blog anymore. It touched me. I knew that she actually read the things that I have previously put down. It means a lot.

School is kicking my trash. 16 credits is a hand full. Especially my Anatomy class. I enjoy it but its a tough one.

I had an epiphany yesterday. People ask me all the time why I want to be a Physical therapist.I've always said oh it's a secure job or I think it would be cool to work with athletes since I am one. It would also be a social job and I would be helping people heal. But I think the main reason for my future career path is because of my mom. My mom has Multiple Sclerosis. One day she will have to undergo intensive physical therapy because her body will slowly start to shut down due to her lack of strength in her nervous system. I would love to help my mom heal or keep her strength as long as she can. I want her to enjoy her life. I Love You Mom.

I love Frisbee. I'm so happy to be playing again. I'm happy to be running again and playing with good friends. It feels good to teach someone how to throw or defend.

I'm losing weight. I'm still healthy though.

I'm having a great semester so far. I have great roommates and good classes. It's summer. It's warm. I'm still peeling from previous sunburns but I don't look sick anymore. This semester is flying by. It's sad. I don't want it too. My life has felt that way lately. It's like I don't have time to seize the moment anymore. Being an adult isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Your constantly worrying about something or always thinking ahead. Always have to think ahead.

You are the Dancing Queen

I've been listening to ABBA's Dancing Queen for a straight hour now. It makes me miss my Papa. I used to sit in his car when I was little and sing it with him and Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio. Yeah that's right. I miss my Grandparents. This blog is dedicated to them. All their sacrifice for me. I miss walking into their house and hearing them bicker and then 5 minutes later they are fine. All is forgotten. I'd come over to visit and they would take me out to lunch just to spend time with me. Me alone. It was Personal. I miss my Nana getting all excited about Proms and making huge family dinners. I miss my Papa and all his infinite wisdom. I miss him telling me about the most random things. I miss him pulling jokes on me. I miss sitting in his lap and eating popcorn and watching Indiana Jones for hours. He would even let me drink out of his belly-bomber Pepsi's. ( They were one liter Pepsi bottled absolutely huge)I miss making huge sandwiches and going up to the movie theatre and watching Survivor with them and how we would all bet who was going to get voted off next and how stupid some people's playing strategies were. My Papa showed me my first concert. It was KISS. He even showed me how to do the Gene Simmons tongue thing. I miss watching Gabe loaf on the back of the couch with my Gparents. I miss the smell of their house. I miss their hugs. I even miss my Nana embarassing me in front of my friends and other family members. I miss how I used to play my violin in their huge living room where the acoustics were phenomenol. I will miss having them at my Birthday this year. I'm working on my Birthday this year. Awesome. I'm most likely to webcam them. I'm excited. This post is making me cry. A Happy-Funny-Painful cry. Tears feel good rolling down your cheeks sometimes. It's a release. Life is scary when it's not the same.


I miss my Grandparents. I love them. Thank you Papa and Nana for treating me with kindness and loving me for who I am. Helping me excel. Nana I am honored to be named after you. I can't wait to see you both again. Thank You for opening your home to my friends that I care deeply about. For treating them like your own grandchildren. It meant a lot to me. Thank you for putting up with me :)

Your Granddaughter

Cassandra Marie

One Month. Three Months. 4 Days.

Brand New's new album Daisy has a creepy/eerie feel and I love it. It's different. It's definitely worth checking out. My Washburn is exactly what I needed in my life at this point. it makes me smile every time I look at it. I can't wait to get an amp and a pedal board so I can add effects when I play. I'd love to learn how to use a pedal board and play songs such as Bunnies by Howie Day or maybe even loop some Brand New songs. You can seriously be your own band with one of those things. I love playing my guitar. It's like a drug to me. It gives me a rush. I have to touch it everyday. Doesn't matter if it's 5 minutes or literally 3 hours of straight playing. I tried making my own version of Your Body is a Wonderland by Mayer today. I sat by my window and just played. It was a cloudy,dark today so I just sat, strummed away and just looked out the window. It was really nice. JM is amazing everyday but perfect for days like this. The cover I tried to play didn't sound too bad. I was proud of it. I wish I could sing. Good. I know I could sing if I wanted too but I know can't sing well. It's rather difficult to play and sing at the same time.

Month till school starts I'm freaking stoked. It's ridiculous. I can't wait to take Anatomy. It's so interesting to me. I'll even joke with my friends sometimes and point out certain parts and say this is this and it's connected to this. They probably think I'm weird but I enjoy it. The human body is amazing. I appreciate it. How it works. How it heals itself. It blows my mind.

I'm in a funk right now. I'm happy but there are a few things that are poking and proding at me. I'm tired of looking at a webcam screen. I want to physically be there to help my friends or for them to be there for me. Long Distance it's torture. I cannot wait to be with my girls this summer. Just to be in the same apartment with them its going to be great. Just to help them and have fun with them. It's almost going to be like our old hangouts back home in Georgia. We have a few important people missing and I miss them also.

High School was so easy and I was pathetic and naive to think it was hard. BAHA. I should give myself some credit because I didn't know any better. It's a good laugh now anyways.

I miss Teddy. It's hard looking through a computer screen every night. I was thinking today about when I see him in June, at the airport, for the first time it's probably going to take me back a little bit when I see him in person...It isn't Love if it doesn't hurt. I tell myself that everyday just to get by. You know your in Love or when you Love someone when it hurts. There is no way Love can be perfect. You have to work. Sacrifice.

I think Starlight by Muse is one of the most brilliant Love songs ever created.

One Month. Three Months. 4 days. It's not like I'm counting or anything :)

Heartbreak Warfare

I Love John Mayer. He never gets old. If I could ever mimic anyone's guitar style it would be his. He's an artistic genius. He has soul. He loves what he does and you can tell. Heartbreak Warfare.

Lightning strikes
Inside, my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare.

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Just say so...

How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through at all.

It's a heartbreak...

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and ambien
You're talking **** again, it's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak, heartbreak.

It's heartbreak warfare.
It's heartbreak warfare.

We all fight for what we Love because we can't afford to lose it. At least I can't. I love too deeply. Love is a War. A constant fight. Whether it's physical, mental, or emotional. Sometimes I lose sleep over it. Sometimes I get physically sick. Doesn't matter Who it is. Sometimes I lay there because I feel bad that I forgot to do something for someone or say something. They probably forgot all about it. But I don't. It's probably not even a big deal. But it is to me. I hate forgetting. I hate Human error. I just want to do everything right. I put on a happy front a lot it seems like. I do have happiness in my life. But it always feels like something is missing. If you took me apart you'd find a mess. I feel so much. I can't just get over things. I can't forget ANYTHING. Things that happened two or three years ago will still haunt me. Especially if I hurt someone, make a mistake or a wrong turn. I wish I could patch everything up. Make things better. Make myself better. I've read this posting over and over again and I'm just a big baby. I'm the biggest softy you'll ever meet. It doesn't take a lot to break me in two. I need a Hug. Badly.

I thought I had control, I thought this went away

It's Come Back and I'm scared. It crippled me in my childhood and it's back. I see my other family members struggle with it and I can't stand it. I've think I'm slowly become one of them again and it's sad. I know whats been making me "a little off" these past months. I want to be mentally healthy completely. I've wanted to find ways to cure them but how can I when I can't cure myself. Shaking, crying, hard breathing, sweating, hard heartbeat... feeling like your being smothered or maybe feeling like a boulder is hanging above your head either way. I'm having one of the biggest adrenaline rushes of my life right now. STRAIGHT UP PANIC. I can't explain it. Sounds kinda dumb but I literally feel like I lost my brother or someone else close to me at Disneyworld or the Mall and I couldn't find them for a good hour. Wondering where they are, if someone took them or hurt them. That's the best way I can put it. I can't sleep. I can't even play my guitar right... This is why I'm not super outgoing. I'm mellow because I am afraid. Not just saying that. I'm really scared to put myself out there. I wish I was a little bit stronger and not afraid. It's hard to understand or explain. I don't know why I just don't do it. I want to be fun and I want to be normal. I want to be a normal college girl. The girl you can go clubbing with or jokingly make fun and not get upset or extremely embarrassed. I just want to be ok. I miss out on a lot of things because of this.I'm never enough it seems like or maybe I'm too much to handle. I want people to be pleased with me especially my family, my boyfriend, my friends. I want satisfaction. I want to be at least satisfactory. My head feels like its about to explode. Walls literally feel like they are closing in. I feel like throwing up I might. I've finally hit the top. I haven't had this happen in years. I've come close several times. But this. It hasn't happened in years. It's back I don't know how to handle it. Thank you genetics. My heart is pounding so hard right now it hurts and I'm sweating bullets. Maybe this is what having a heart attack feels like. I've forgotten how this feels and it's slowly and painfully coming back. I don't want it to come back. It's like the plague. I don't want people to be angry with me anymore. I try my best. To be a good sister daughter friend girlfriend. I really do. But I always seem to make a mistake or maybe I don't make a mistake at all it's just me and it just offends one or makes one question. I don't mean to hurt others. I love the ones close to me. I really do. I'd die for them or take a bullet. I need to disappear for awhile I might do that. I'll just be silent. Maybe thats what I need. I have to heal from this cause it's scaring me. This blog is helping right now I had to get it out needed to calm down. I thought I had control I thought this went away. Anxiety...welcome back

Brand New

I'm addicted to Brand New. I don't want to stop listening to them. I don't even want to sleep. I learned Jesus Christ on the guitar today it's just a great song. The lyrics hit home for me. All their lyrics.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling

Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a psalm
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And talk dirt at hating factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

Honestly. I was worried that this song would be a little blasphemous but I don't think thats what they were aiming for. We all need a Savior. We don't want to be alone. That is a crippling fear of mine and We all want to know what we are going up against. It just a has deeper meaning. All their songs do.