Message in a Bottle

Being young and scared as hell isn't the most pleasant scenario. When your young and pushed into the world you tend to ask certain questions. Certain questions that bring on intense anxiety that you beg yourself to stop but you can't. The thoughts continually eat at you until there is almost nothing left. What are you doing with your life? Who is there for you? How are you in every aspect of your life?

I've had several friends lately that have struggled. When they struggle I have the strongest impulse to help them and solve their problems. I wish I could take certain emotions and thoughts away from them but I can't. I honestly love it when people vent to me when they have a serious problem. It shows that they trust me. Having strong personal relationships with the ones I care about is one of my top priorities. However some people don't like to tell me their problems because they know that sometimes they can stress me out. I stress because I know that I can't take away the problem or their sadness. I want them to tell me though. I don;t want to suffer but sometimes I do because I love them so much that it hurts to see them in pain or confused. It's frustrating to feel so much sometimes.

I have feared for some of my relationships lately. I don't know if I'm pushing them away or they just don't want to associate with me anymore or they have moved on. I just don't know. Sometimes I feel like I don't satisfy others enough so they slowly but surely drift. Sometimes I feel like I'm not talented enough or outgoing enough. Maybe I'm awkward. I don't know.

Crying doesn't get you anywhere sometimes but you do it anyway. Tears are for the Heart when to much pressure is placed upon it. That's usually how it goes for me. I'm struggling so much that all I know how to do in that exact moment is to just cry. You just break. Then you wonder how you got there. What is wrong with you? Why can't you just be happy and deal with your problems. Why can't you fix everything? People say you can get away from the things that bother you but not me. My fears and worries grow within me like a cancer.

The words "I don't know" are probably the most terrible words on the planet. Those words bring so much fear into my life. Sometimes I can't think straight for days on end because I don't know what is going to happen to me or my family or my friends. I hate worrying constantly. I'm always tired. I can't focus. It makes me irritable and angry.

Lately I feel like I haven't been in touch with myself spiritually. I feel empty and alone. The Spirit is not with me because of my anxiety. I fear all the time for myself. I haven't been at peace lately. I act happy around my peers but something is wrong with me. It is sitting in the deepest part of me and is holding me back like a dog on a chain. Some days my emotions and fears smother me and it makes me angry. So angry that I take it out on others and it's not right.

I'm not as nice and innocent as I used to be. I remember only a few years ago I was so much happier. I was calm inside. I felt the love of others and my God. I felt smart. I felt pretty. I was at ease. My family was better off. We were happy. My friends and I were closer. I miss that. All of that. Why is growing up so hard?

Why can't people be considerate? I don't understand how people don't care. I guess because well I care all the time.

I'm hurting emotionally and I don't want too. People tell me to get over it suck it up it's not a big deal but to me it is. People don't understand how I think and it frustrates me. I try to get people to understand because I want help. I want help like most people do.

Sarcasm. I hate it sometimes. It hurts and sometimes you wonder if the truth is coming out in certain statements. My heart can't take too much. There is a time and place for it. Sometimes it just breaks my heart.

I hate being a pain in the neck to people. I don't like to get in that way. I'd rather be abandoned than in someone's way of progressing.

Plain and simple things aren't always that simple and easy to carry out. The irony.

I have buried myself deep in certain things and it's going to be so hard to get out. You wonder why you stuck yourself in that hole in the first place. You knew it was going to hurt or that it didn't feel right but you did it anyway. You wanted results then and there.

Why do I feel so much? Why is my sensitivity stronger than others? I'm a mystery to my own self.

I don't like being this way. I don't like the feeling of anger or regret. I regret some things I've done in my life but who hasn't. Sometimes you need to have your own little vent session. My life is not hard. There are so many others that suffer more than I do. So I look back on this letter and tell myself that most of this is worthless. But then again it's not. These are the trials that I have been blessed with and they are very hard on me. They make me stronger but today I feel like I have hit a low point and I just want to go numb.

We are never alone but sometimes you just can't help but feel that way.

"I walked out his morning and I don't believe what I saw, a hundred billion bottles washed upon the shore, seems like I'm not alone in being alone."