Message in a Bottle

Being young and scared as hell isn't the most pleasant scenario. When your young and pushed into the world you tend to ask certain questions. Certain questions that bring on intense anxiety that you beg yourself to stop but you can't. The thoughts continually eat at you until there is almost nothing left. What are you doing with your life? Who is there for you? How are you in every aspect of your life?

I've had several friends lately that have struggled. When they struggle I have the strongest impulse to help them and solve their problems. I wish I could take certain emotions and thoughts away from them but I can't. I honestly love it when people vent to me when they have a serious problem. It shows that they trust me. Having strong personal relationships with the ones I care about is one of my top priorities. However some people don't like to tell me their problems because they know that sometimes they can stress me out. I stress because I know that I can't take away the problem or their sadness. I want them to tell me though. I don;t want to suffer but sometimes I do because I love them so much that it hurts to see them in pain or confused. It's frustrating to feel so much sometimes.

I have feared for some of my relationships lately. I don't know if I'm pushing them away or they just don't want to associate with me anymore or they have moved on. I just don't know. Sometimes I feel like I don't satisfy others enough so they slowly but surely drift. Sometimes I feel like I'm not talented enough or outgoing enough. Maybe I'm awkward. I don't know.

Crying doesn't get you anywhere sometimes but you do it anyway. Tears are for the Heart when to much pressure is placed upon it. That's usually how it goes for me. I'm struggling so much that all I know how to do in that exact moment is to just cry. You just break. Then you wonder how you got there. What is wrong with you? Why can't you just be happy and deal with your problems. Why can't you fix everything? People say you can get away from the things that bother you but not me. My fears and worries grow within me like a cancer.

The words "I don't know" are probably the most terrible words on the planet. Those words bring so much fear into my life. Sometimes I can't think straight for days on end because I don't know what is going to happen to me or my family or my friends. I hate worrying constantly. I'm always tired. I can't focus. It makes me irritable and angry.

Lately I feel like I haven't been in touch with myself spiritually. I feel empty and alone. The Spirit is not with me because of my anxiety. I fear all the time for myself. I haven't been at peace lately. I act happy around my peers but something is wrong with me. It is sitting in the deepest part of me and is holding me back like a dog on a chain. Some days my emotions and fears smother me and it makes me angry. So angry that I take it out on others and it's not right.

I'm not as nice and innocent as I used to be. I remember only a few years ago I was so much happier. I was calm inside. I felt the love of others and my God. I felt smart. I felt pretty. I was at ease. My family was better off. We were happy. My friends and I were closer. I miss that. All of that. Why is growing up so hard?

Why can't people be considerate? I don't understand how people don't care. I guess because well I care all the time.

I'm hurting emotionally and I don't want too. People tell me to get over it suck it up it's not a big deal but to me it is. People don't understand how I think and it frustrates me. I try to get people to understand because I want help. I want help like most people do.

Sarcasm. I hate it sometimes. It hurts and sometimes you wonder if the truth is coming out in certain statements. My heart can't take too much. There is a time and place for it. Sometimes it just breaks my heart.

I hate being a pain in the neck to people. I don't like to get in that way. I'd rather be abandoned than in someone's way of progressing.

Plain and simple things aren't always that simple and easy to carry out. The irony.

I have buried myself deep in certain things and it's going to be so hard to get out. You wonder why you stuck yourself in that hole in the first place. You knew it was going to hurt or that it didn't feel right but you did it anyway. You wanted results then and there.

Why do I feel so much? Why is my sensitivity stronger than others? I'm a mystery to my own self.

I don't like being this way. I don't like the feeling of anger or regret. I regret some things I've done in my life but who hasn't. Sometimes you need to have your own little vent session. My life is not hard. There are so many others that suffer more than I do. So I look back on this letter and tell myself that most of this is worthless. But then again it's not. These are the trials that I have been blessed with and they are very hard on me. They make me stronger but today I feel like I have hit a low point and I just want to go numb.

We are never alone but sometimes you just can't help but feel that way.

"I walked out his morning and I don't believe what I saw, a hundred billion bottles washed upon the shore, seems like I'm not alone in being alone."

So....

I haven't posted in awhile. I'm a slacker. Always have been and probably always will be. This post might be scattered so those who keep up with this just bare with me.

Thanksgiving has been awesome this week. I've needed a break so badly. I've been sick this whole week but thats ok. My family from the south came out to visit. I have missed them so much. I miss the south. It's my home. I miss the accents and the fattening food. They have been wonderful. I think i have picked up on their accents so I might be going back up to school with an accent.

I've gained some poundage. My love handles are back but oh well it was worth it.I have a date with p90x when I get back to Rexburg.

I'm not looking forward to winter AT ALL. I miss Frisbee already. I'm addicted.

I miss my crew.

My best friend randomly texted me and said that she loves me today. It made me happy and less stressed about the things that were going on.

I went to the mall today for Black Friday and had no money to spend. Awesome.

I want to go snowmobiling. Hopefully I'm going soon. I feel like I need a shot of adrenaline.

I have a date when I get back to Rexburg that I'm excited about. It will be nice to go out, have fun and relax. He's cute too.

I love my family and my friends. I'm so grateful for them.

Hopefully I'll write more in the future. I just have to have the time.

Thanks for reading.

Briana

I should have written this yesterday.

Briana,

I just want to start out by saying I love you. I know I tell you this quite often but I mean it sincerely every time. Your my buddy. I can't believe we are both 20 now. This is the first time I have been able to be with you on your actual birthday and it has been awesome. I'm glad that I was able to tell you Happy Birthday face to face in mama and papas van at 8:40 baha. I'm grateful to spend these last couple weeks with you before you head back home to Georgia because we might not see each other for almost a year. We have been through a lot together. We know each others weaknesses and faults but we still stick together and support one another. You have my back and I have yours. I am blessed to know you. You make me laugh. You give me a good kick when I really need it. Your special and I am grateful that you have let me be part of your life. Your loyal to me. You stick up for me. Your protective of me and I can see it. You encourage me to do things that I have a hard time doing. You encourage me to express myself and that means a lot because it is hard for me to express myself most of the time. You try to understand me and my crazy problems. Your hugs mean the world to me. You put up with my nonsense. I love our deep conversations. I love how you have courtesy for others. I love seeing you happy. It hurts me to see you hurt or angry.

There are certain things that you do that make you original like wearing white foakleys on your head during frisbee games and well pretty much everywhere we go and playing pacifism and eating peanut butter straight out of the jar at the same time and you like to sit on counters and tables. I think it's awesome that we have certain names for each other like dood, bud and snuggleslut. I think your an amazing photographer. You have a gift and you use it. Thank you for sharing your talent with me. You have taken amazing pictures of our crazy adventures :) I look at those pictures quite often. Your an awesome tennis player too. I love how you value nature. You love animals and you love to take care of them. I love how you catch 12:34 all the time. Your so good at Halo that you manage to save yourself and I because I'm so oblivious. I think it's hilarious that your a pack rat. You make a mean quesodilla and pozole. I love how we are ridiculously amazing at quoting movies and comedians. I think its awesome that your able to fix things like your xbox and sometimes my laptop because I can be technology challenged. We never have boys at the same time but we will eventually. I love how we talk about memories randomly in our conversations for example 8th grade day, halo nights, girls camp and proms. I love how deep we get into personality tests and try to read people. I enjoy playing guitar with you. It's funny how you complain about the stupid F chord and how your pinky doesn't reach far enough. I love how we clap during songs and how we randomly burst into song. Your frisbee throwing face cracks me up. I love how we picked up frisbee together and we helped each other get better. It was fun coaching with you even though we were making it up as we went. We are slackers. We were in high school and well we still are slackers. We can both be indecisive. We both drive each other crazy but still love each other. We can eat cereal, instant mashed potatoes, quesodillas and PBJ's like nobody's business. I love our road trips and one on one times we have had together. I love it when we are silent. I am comfortable being silent with you when usually I am uncomfortable being silent with others. You help me relax when I panic.









In the course of our friendship you have been patient with me. Your still here. Thank You its what I needed. The simple things you do for me don't go unnoticed they mean a lot to me. I never thought you were intimidating. You have a kind heart. I try to be the best friend that you deserve. You mean the world to me and so does our friendship. After Havasu we will be going our separate ways for awhile but I want you to know that I am here for you. I will be here for you for whatever circumstance you are in. I will drop whatever I am doing to help you. No matter what.


I feel like this letter is ridiculously scattered :)but it came from the heart.Happy Birthday Briana.


Cassandra

Love isn't a bad thing to say

Broken. I'm overbearing. It was cold. I waited... I waited for that contact .I'm alone again. Damn Anxiety. I'm angry. I'm distraught. I tried to hold it together. Make it feel good or right. I tried to grasp the passion that I longed for and the other didn't really feel anything. Trying doesn't get you anywhere. I put it all out there... I put it all on the line. Again. My heart is always on the line. It's never calm. It's always on a high or it's broken. I knew it was coming. It doesn't make it hurt any less. I told you so is a terrible phrase. I hate it. I FEEL LIKE I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE RIGHT TO HURT because I knew it was coming. Everyone did. Everyone judged. I told you so. It truly shakes me to my core and I'm slow to anger. No one knew how I felt. No one knew what that whole experience meant to me. I need support. This freaking post probably doesn't even make sense. I'm tired. I'm worn out. I've lost all my tread. Apparently I'm too sensitive. Its true. I need stability. I need a lot of things. Actually I want a lot of things. For being such a self sacrificing personality I'm selfish. I don't care anymore. I'm beating myself over something I cannot control. Typical. Everyone sees it. Everyone calls me on it. Everyone calls me on my worrying problems. Thats not all I am. I feel guilty. I didn't bring enough to the table. I'm just broken. Crying doesn't get you anywhere. No one can mend you. Your the only one that can hold the needle and sew yourself back up but you want someone to be there to watch. To be your support. It's hard being me. I struggle. A lot. I'm never empty. I'm scared. I'm scared of myself. Others don't see me as being a scary person. I'm the scariest person I know. Love isn't a bad thing to say. When I say it I mean it. When I say it to the people close to me I want them to soak it in and know that I am there for them. I don't mean to make people feel uncomfortable when I say it. I really don't. I FEEL. THATS ALL I DO. When I have an impulse to say something deep or say I love you I'm need/want to say it. I said it to someone close to me and he asked me why...He asked me why I said it so much. It hurts so bad to think about it and It's going to haunt me. It's going to haunt me for a long time. It died. The love that I had just died.

June 9th

June 9th...

Finally. I finally get to see Teddy. I talked to his mom last night and they have been very generous to fly me out for Teddy's graduation on the 13th. I get to see him in 22 days. Finally. I don't even know what I'm going to do when I see him.I have an idea but who knows how things will turn out. Do we ever know how things are going to turn out. That's one of the scariest things about life.

I had a good friend ask me about my blog last night. She asked why I don't write on my blog anymore. It touched me. I knew that she actually read the things that I have previously put down. It means a lot.

School is kicking my trash. 16 credits is a hand full. Especially my Anatomy class. I enjoy it but its a tough one.

I had an epiphany yesterday. People ask me all the time why I want to be a Physical therapist.I've always said oh it's a secure job or I think it would be cool to work with athletes since I am one. It would also be a social job and I would be helping people heal. But I think the main reason for my future career path is because of my mom. My mom has Multiple Sclerosis. One day she will have to undergo intensive physical therapy because her body will slowly start to shut down due to her lack of strength in her nervous system. I would love to help my mom heal or keep her strength as long as she can. I want her to enjoy her life. I Love You Mom.

I love Frisbee. I'm so happy to be playing again. I'm happy to be running again and playing with good friends. It feels good to teach someone how to throw or defend.

I'm losing weight. I'm still healthy though.

I'm having a great semester so far. I have great roommates and good classes. It's summer. It's warm. I'm still peeling from previous sunburns but I don't look sick anymore. This semester is flying by. It's sad. I don't want it too. My life has felt that way lately. It's like I don't have time to seize the moment anymore. Being an adult isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Your constantly worrying about something or always thinking ahead. Always have to think ahead.

You are the Dancing Queen

I've been listening to ABBA's Dancing Queen for a straight hour now. It makes me miss my Papa. I used to sit in his car when I was little and sing it with him and Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio. Yeah that's right. I miss my Grandparents. This blog is dedicated to them. All their sacrifice for me. I miss walking into their house and hearing them bicker and then 5 minutes later they are fine. All is forgotten. I'd come over to visit and they would take me out to lunch just to spend time with me. Me alone. It was Personal. I miss my Nana getting all excited about Proms and making huge family dinners. I miss my Papa and all his infinite wisdom. I miss him telling me about the most random things. I miss him pulling jokes on me. I miss sitting in his lap and eating popcorn and watching Indiana Jones for hours. He would even let me drink out of his belly-bomber Pepsi's. ( They were one liter Pepsi bottled absolutely huge)I miss making huge sandwiches and going up to the movie theatre and watching Survivor with them and how we would all bet who was going to get voted off next and how stupid some people's playing strategies were. My Papa showed me my first concert. It was KISS. He even showed me how to do the Gene Simmons tongue thing. I miss watching Gabe loaf on the back of the couch with my Gparents. I miss the smell of their house. I miss their hugs. I even miss my Nana embarassing me in front of my friends and other family members. I miss how I used to play my violin in their huge living room where the acoustics were phenomenol. I will miss having them at my Birthday this year. I'm working on my Birthday this year. Awesome. I'm most likely to webcam them. I'm excited. This post is making me cry. A Happy-Funny-Painful cry. Tears feel good rolling down your cheeks sometimes. It's a release. Life is scary when it's not the same.


I miss my Grandparents. I love them. Thank you Papa and Nana for treating me with kindness and loving me for who I am. Helping me excel. Nana I am honored to be named after you. I can't wait to see you both again. Thank You for opening your home to my friends that I care deeply about. For treating them like your own grandchildren. It meant a lot to me. Thank you for putting up with me :)

Your Granddaughter

Cassandra Marie

One Month. Three Months. 4 Days.

Brand New's new album Daisy has a creepy/eerie feel and I love it. It's different. It's definitely worth checking out. My Washburn is exactly what I needed in my life at this point. it makes me smile every time I look at it. I can't wait to get an amp and a pedal board so I can add effects when I play. I'd love to learn how to use a pedal board and play songs such as Bunnies by Howie Day or maybe even loop some Brand New songs. You can seriously be your own band with one of those things. I love playing my guitar. It's like a drug to me. It gives me a rush. I have to touch it everyday. Doesn't matter if it's 5 minutes or literally 3 hours of straight playing. I tried making my own version of Your Body is a Wonderland by Mayer today. I sat by my window and just played. It was a cloudy,dark today so I just sat, strummed away and just looked out the window. It was really nice. JM is amazing everyday but perfect for days like this. The cover I tried to play didn't sound too bad. I was proud of it. I wish I could sing. Good. I know I could sing if I wanted too but I know can't sing well. It's rather difficult to play and sing at the same time.

Month till school starts I'm freaking stoked. It's ridiculous. I can't wait to take Anatomy. It's so interesting to me. I'll even joke with my friends sometimes and point out certain parts and say this is this and it's connected to this. They probably think I'm weird but I enjoy it. The human body is amazing. I appreciate it. How it works. How it heals itself. It blows my mind.

I'm in a funk right now. I'm happy but there are a few things that are poking and proding at me. I'm tired of looking at a webcam screen. I want to physically be there to help my friends or for them to be there for me. Long Distance it's torture. I cannot wait to be with my girls this summer. Just to be in the same apartment with them its going to be great. Just to help them and have fun with them. It's almost going to be like our old hangouts back home in Georgia. We have a few important people missing and I miss them also.

High School was so easy and I was pathetic and naive to think it was hard. BAHA. I should give myself some credit because I didn't know any better. It's a good laugh now anyways.

I miss Teddy. It's hard looking through a computer screen every night. I was thinking today about when I see him in June, at the airport, for the first time it's probably going to take me back a little bit when I see him in person...It isn't Love if it doesn't hurt. I tell myself that everyday just to get by. You know your in Love or when you Love someone when it hurts. There is no way Love can be perfect. You have to work. Sacrifice.

I think Starlight by Muse is one of the most brilliant Love songs ever created.

One Month. Three Months. 4 days. It's not like I'm counting or anything :)

Heartbreak Warfare

I Love John Mayer. He never gets old. If I could ever mimic anyone's guitar style it would be his. He's an artistic genius. He has soul. He loves what he does and you can tell. Heartbreak Warfare.

Lightning strikes
Inside, my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare.

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Just say so...

How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through at all.

It's a heartbreak...

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and ambien
You're talking **** again, it's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak, heartbreak.

It's heartbreak warfare.
It's heartbreak warfare.

We all fight for what we Love because we can't afford to lose it. At least I can't. I love too deeply. Love is a War. A constant fight. Whether it's physical, mental, or emotional. Sometimes I lose sleep over it. Sometimes I get physically sick. Doesn't matter Who it is. Sometimes I lay there because I feel bad that I forgot to do something for someone or say something. They probably forgot all about it. But I don't. It's probably not even a big deal. But it is to me. I hate forgetting. I hate Human error. I just want to do everything right. I put on a happy front a lot it seems like. I do have happiness in my life. But it always feels like something is missing. If you took me apart you'd find a mess. I feel so much. I can't just get over things. I can't forget ANYTHING. Things that happened two or three years ago will still haunt me. Especially if I hurt someone, make a mistake or a wrong turn. I wish I could patch everything up. Make things better. Make myself better. I've read this posting over and over again and I'm just a big baby. I'm the biggest softy you'll ever meet. It doesn't take a lot to break me in two. I need a Hug. Badly.

I thought I had control, I thought this went away

It's Come Back and I'm scared. It crippled me in my childhood and it's back. I see my other family members struggle with it and I can't stand it. I've think I'm slowly become one of them again and it's sad. I know whats been making me "a little off" these past months. I want to be mentally healthy completely. I've wanted to find ways to cure them but how can I when I can't cure myself. Shaking, crying, hard breathing, sweating, hard heartbeat... feeling like your being smothered or maybe feeling like a boulder is hanging above your head either way. I'm having one of the biggest adrenaline rushes of my life right now. STRAIGHT UP PANIC. I can't explain it. Sounds kinda dumb but I literally feel like I lost my brother or someone else close to me at Disneyworld or the Mall and I couldn't find them for a good hour. Wondering where they are, if someone took them or hurt them. That's the best way I can put it. I can't sleep. I can't even play my guitar right... This is why I'm not super outgoing. I'm mellow because I am afraid. Not just saying that. I'm really scared to put myself out there. I wish I was a little bit stronger and not afraid. It's hard to understand or explain. I don't know why I just don't do it. I want to be fun and I want to be normal. I want to be a normal college girl. The girl you can go clubbing with or jokingly make fun and not get upset or extremely embarrassed. I just want to be ok. I miss out on a lot of things because of this.I'm never enough it seems like or maybe I'm too much to handle. I want people to be pleased with me especially my family, my boyfriend, my friends. I want satisfaction. I want to be at least satisfactory. My head feels like its about to explode. Walls literally feel like they are closing in. I feel like throwing up I might. I've finally hit the top. I haven't had this happen in years. I've come close several times. But this. It hasn't happened in years. It's back I don't know how to handle it. Thank you genetics. My heart is pounding so hard right now it hurts and I'm sweating bullets. Maybe this is what having a heart attack feels like. I've forgotten how this feels and it's slowly and painfully coming back. I don't want it to come back. It's like the plague. I don't want people to be angry with me anymore. I try my best. To be a good sister daughter friend girlfriend. I really do. But I always seem to make a mistake or maybe I don't make a mistake at all it's just me and it just offends one or makes one question. I don't mean to hurt others. I love the ones close to me. I really do. I'd die for them or take a bullet. I need to disappear for awhile I might do that. I'll just be silent. Maybe thats what I need. I have to heal from this cause it's scaring me. This blog is helping right now I had to get it out needed to calm down. I thought I had control I thought this went away. Anxiety...welcome back

Brand New

I'm addicted to Brand New. I don't want to stop listening to them. I don't even want to sleep. I learned Jesus Christ on the guitar today it's just a great song. The lyrics hit home for me. All their lyrics.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling

Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a psalm
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And talk dirt at hating factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

Honestly. I was worried that this song would be a little blasphemous but I don't think thats what they were aiming for. We all need a Savior. We don't want to be alone. That is a crippling fear of mine and We all want to know what we are going up against. It just a has deeper meaning. All their songs do.

A Fading Heartbeat

When you have something that makes your heartbeat you would you do anything to keep it? There are some things I can't change about myself. Not only that I can't... I won't. My beliefs and emotions are a huge part of me. I want them to be noticed. I feel like I'm showing my true self. I feel Delusional. I'm speechless. I'm hurt. I don't want to worry about things anymore. I'm tired. Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I cry because I feel like I;m overreacting and look stupid. I want things to be good and chill all the time. I want peace. I want others to feel happy around me. Confide in me easily. When people think about me I want them to smile. Not look back and say I could never be myself around her or she hurt me. I have hurt people physically, mentally, emotionally. It comes to my attention a lot. It hurts me. I regret. People say they want to pass on having no regrets. I will. My actions in the past will forever haunt me. It doesn't matter if I'm forgiven. It's just going to stay and I can't help it. I'm slowly starting to go numb emotionally now. I can feel it. You can only beat yourself up so much before you finally break. Homesickness, Distance and honesty are breaking me in two. People say grow up. Your in college now. You should focus on getting married or getting a career. Am I just supposed to forget everything before Utah. No. How dare they. Pisses me off when people say that to me. I will not and I can not. I miss my bonds with certain people. I haven't had a hug in awhile. I want one. I want to give one. I absolutely hate it when I turn in on myself when others are venting something deep and depressing to me. They need help. I do listen. I soak it in. I want to make things better. But after I turn in on myself and I get depressed because they are hurt. How selfish is that? I feel selfish. I feel bad. This post is bleak. But I don't care. I had to get this monster out. Sometimes you need to be held. I do. I don't want things to be a lie. Mostly my bonds with people because I cherish them. I appreciate honesty. But it's also ok to be hurt by the truth. It's better than a lie and fake happiness. I don't want others to be unhappy or feel like they have to be two faced with me. I want You. Just You.

By The Way. I cannot stand when people overstep their boundaries with their opinions. Just keep your mouth shut. Some people do not have a frickin clue. Your opinion does not matter. Others would say well if their opinion doesn't matter why get all worked up about it. I feel like getting worked up about it. I need to let it out. I am not perfect I have said some stupid arrogant things in my life but I have people's feelings and I have courtesy on mind. Don't talk about others that I extremely care about. You can trash me all you want. Generally I'm a nice chill person. But I will stick up for my loved ones. IF ANYTHING I will be heard about that. They mean to much to me for me to brush it aside. Anger is not a comfortable position. I don't like to be angry. Who does.

Why isn't Ultimate an olympic sport. It should be. It's been on my mind. I miss it. I miss running. I don't like running without a purpose. I want to cherrypick. I miss my hurricane uniform. 2. I miss flicking.

99% Feeler

I'm slacking on this blog. I don't know why I don't write in it everyday it makes me feel better. I think I'm becoming a neat freak... I don't know why. I just spent almost four hours cleaning my place up because little things are starting to bother me. Having a small place seems to gather more junk. I miss having a house. My home back in Georgia was huge compared to this place. I learned an awesome song on the guitar today. Only Hope by Switchfoot. It's a pretty song and it was just nice to relax and play my guitar. I hate waiting for things to come in the mail. I'm really impatient. I just want my new skullcandy's to come in. My old ones have a short in them so listening to music becomes frustrating. Tedd got his valentines day gift yesterday it took awhile to get there but it was well worth it to see his face. It pretty much made my week so far. Danielle has been editing her pictures from her Georgia trip a couple months ago for the past hour. She wants me to look at them and state my opinion whether they look good or not. I honestly don't want too. It hurts. I miss my cousins, my Grandparents and Gabe. I'm tired of hurting. I try to be positive. Sometimes I feel like I can't progress. The curse of being a Blue. I was doing a little research on myself the other day. I looked up the Blue on the color code and the INFP on the Myers Briggs. It seems that Hurting comes natural to me. According to the Myers- Briggs I'm a 99% feeler and 64% Introvert. I take everything in. Basically, In the end everything boils down to my heart. The littlest things can just kill me I don't know why. I'm just really sensitive. I want things to be good all the time. I want people around me to feel good all the time. I want to be loved and appreciated. Basically I want a fairy tale that is never going to happen. I'm starting to workout again. I think it will make me feel better and will help me get ready for Frisbee season this summer. I'm so excited. I look at my Frisbee everyday. It makes me sad that it's not being played with. My throw is probably going to be horrible by the time summer rolls around. I should pick up fast though. I'm starting to get on my family's nerves. I can tell. I've been moody lately. It's sad how people unleash on the people close to them. I think they do it because they know those people will always stick by them. I need to be better. If anyone you should be kind to your family first. Your with them forever.... I miss simplicity. I hate burdens. I'm stuck.

Distance, Dates and Olympians

I find it easier to talk to little kids than adults for some reason. Kids are innocent and they aren't judgmental. I talked to a 6 year old named DJ yesterday. We talked about friends and moving. He asked me where I moved from and I said all my friends are back in Georgia. He asked me where Georgia was so I drew him a map on a sticky note then he knew where it was. He said thats really really far away! I just laughed and said yeah it is. We also talked about bullying. He told me that he was being bullied by one of his "friends". Then on a positive note he said that him and his best friend get along so well. He said I do everything with him and he's way nice to me. That made me really happy. Sad to say but in some cases when I was younger I was pushed around because I just hate confrontation, I want peace. I told him to stay away from that other kid and stick with his best friend because it's worth it when you have one. I don't know if he took all of that in. But it felt really good to just talk and not talk about taxes or jobs like adults do. I felt like a kid. I don't think I'm ready to grow up. It's scary to me... I've worked 18 hours the past two days. I'm tired. So much of this might not make sense. I thought it was really awesome that the Republic of Georgia walked in the Olympic lineup. Even though they all fought to keep their composure over the death of their Teammate, Friend, Brother, Son and Olympian. He died doing what he loved. I'm really glad that they are staying in the Olympics. The last thing Nodar would have wanted was for them to pull out. It was just really touching to see them walk... I know how to play California by Copeland by heart now. Other than Why Georgia it's my fall back song. I have my own twist to it. It's really nice to hear yourself play something beautiful. It's coming from you and no one else. You give yourself a concert. I miss frisbee. I miss my friends. I miss my gparents and gabe.... I went out on a date with Steph tonight. It was great I got to dress up and she bought me yogurt from a place called Spoon Me.bahaha. I think thats absolutely hilarious. But it was way good. It was nice to catch up with a good friend, it made me come back to sanity. Thank You Stephanie Facemyer :) Sweats, Ice Cream and Olympics sound really good right now....

Houses and Hot Chocolate

I haven't had a good day like this in a long time. I'm savoring it. This morning I woke up to my valentines day gift sitting on the pillow next to mine. My mom was begging me to open it but I told her I had to wait until Tedd could see me open it. I ended up organizing my room and getting ready for work. I felt really accomplished. To get to work I have to take this 3 mile long road called Lehi main. It's the only road that takes me to I-15, the main interstate in Utah. Instead of taking the 7-10 minutes I usually take to drive down that particular road, it took me a good 30 minutes. Traffic usually frustrates me but today it didn't. I just so happened to stop right behind this house that I've seen quite a bit since I've moved here. I don't know why this house didn't capture my attention before. The house was beautiful on the outside, it looked brand new but something caught my eye on the back of the house. It was their back door. It was beaten and weather torn. It just seemed out of place. Eventually traffic let up and I was able to roll about half a mile. I couldn't (and still can't) get that back door out of my mind. It got me thinking about life and how we all change. When we grow old...we move away, get married, get careers,and have families. We all get a new casing, a new us. That house was like the new casing. Beautiful, new, fresh, had so much potential. Then I thought about that back door. I was like that door isn't out of place it's there for a reason if the owner decided to keep it there. It had a purpose. I like to think of that back door as the part of ourselves that we keep. It's the part of us that never goes away. It's what make us unique...We all build our own houses but we will always keep that back door. My mind was incredibly open today I don't know why. Work was really good today. I felt like I bonded with my coworkers more and I was able to talk with clients easier than normal. One guy called me to make an appointment and he ended the conversation with "Wow you must really be in a good mood today" I just replied " yes sir it's been a great day today" It just felt really good that someone noticed my optimism. I can't stop looking at my valentines day present from Tedd. It makes me laugh. It's an Urban Dictionary mug with the definition of my name on the back. It's just awesome. Drinking hot chocolate just got 100 times better. Thank You Teddy you made my day. This posting is going to be short but I've gotten the highlights out. Now... I'm going to go and make myself a cup of hot chocolate.

Who's Up For Round Two?

Putting your iTunes on shuffle is really entertaining. Going from Ludacris to Mormon Tabernacle Choir, from John Mayer to Taking Back Sunday, Disturbed to Jack Johnson. It covers the wide spectrum of emotions that people feel. It shows a lot about your character and how you feel. If you looked at my library you'd probably think I was insane. I have a broad range because I am open to new music. I appreciate the work musicians do because I am one. It's hard to compose a song believe me I've tried. Its amazing what musicians pull out. What they what their message to be. There is a song for everything. Whether you want your soul to be at peace or whether you have the impulse to mosh. Or when someone breaks your heart in two or if you want to get pumped up for a game of Ultimate. Sometimes I like to play just one portion of a song over and over again. Like More than a Feeling by Boston. Classic song. There is one part of the song that I just love to hear. It's towards the end. 3:15-4:39. Its the pretty much the climax. Where the band just unleashes. Brad Delp(Lead singer) Just lets it out. Tom Scholtz(Lead Guitarist)shreds. Jeff Neal(Drummer)and his gut busting solo. Its amazing how the band works to send out a message. They end on a haunting echo that just stays ingrained in my mind. Truly a great song. I got a nice call today from Jeena. It's really nice to catch up with good/old/meaningful friends. Her laugh makes me laugh I don't know why it just does. She filled me in with some insights. I found out that I'm addicted to Black people and I found out that John Mayer is racist. Thats a bit Unfortunate. I don't know the reasoning behind it yet but I'll find out soon enough. She won't let me forget it.:) The Office makes me laugh so hard. The awkward scenarios and the connections between all the characters. I watch a couple episodes everyday. I actually have some characters that work in my office. I have a young Creed that sits right next to me, a white Stanley that works right in front of me and I just recently found out that I have an Oscar, he's not flamboyantly gay and he's way nice. I love him he helps me out a lot. It's quite entertaining. I could see my mountain this morning. It was incredible like always. I have a bad habit of looking at it when I drive. If I get in an accident thats what I'm going to blame. The sunrise hits it perfectly. The colors that bounce off of it are almost every color imaginable. My mountain is so beautiful it doesn't even look real, it's like a mirage. If you ever come visit me I will take you there. It would be selfish of me not to share that experience with you. Miss Congeniality is hilarious. If you have the time to watch it please do. Danielle and I just busted out for a good hour and a half. It was great. I love seeing people super excited about something. Tonight my mom busted into my room and showed me all the stuff she saved on at Walgreens. She bought 9 huge bottles of shampoo, hair color, scissors, 4 three musketeers, a pack of paper towels, and two boxes of Kleenex for 7 BUCKS and got 10 BUCKS BACK! I still can't believe it. I think it's hilarious. Phillips and I have our lifetime supply of shampoo for college now. I had an interesting conversation with Phillips and some kid I don't even know. Talking about personalities. Things that make us tick. He felt passionately about the Myers-Briggs test he knew it backwards and forwards from what I saw, it blew my mind. Thats how I feel about the color code. I discovered the other day that all my closest friends are Red (or have a good streak of red in them). In some aspects my opposite. Opposites attract. Blues need Reds to get them a good kick back into reality. Reds need Blues for emotional needs. I need a good kick every once in awhile. Thank you Reds :) Tedd is Blue. He understands most of my views,logic,and emotions. It's nice :) So I got to see what Maine looks like through Google Maps. I got to see where Tedd was working and living. It was comforting to see where he was and to know that he was in a safe place since He is far from home. I'm proud of him for what he is doing. I researched the type of boat he's currently in the process of building. It's going to be amazing piece of craftsmanship when it is completed. I can't wait to see it. I'm really tied to this one artist named Alexi Murdoch. He's just super chill and his lyrics seem to match my emotions. I discovered him off of a movie called Away We Go. It was made by the same director of Juno. So it was awkwardly hilarious and It had Jim from the Office in it too. He's a brilliant actor... I love art. It's a big part of my life. I love museums. I love to walk through them and state my opinion. When I see a painting or a sketch I appreciate every stroke or line the artist made. I try to feel what they felt when they constructed their piece. My mom is an artist. Danielle is an artist. I watch them plan out and finish their masterpieces. My mom is the best to watch. Her hair is all in a mess and She wears a worn out apron that has done more than served its purpose. She blasts her 80's or Broadway musical music and goes to town. She is so happy when she does it. It makes me want to cry sometimes that she doesn't have her art studio anymore. Shes an amazing woman and she makes do with whatever she has. I hope to be like her one day. I try to draw sometimes. I've done a few sketches... My Grandparents used to own the largest original art distributor on the east coast. Unfortunately it was lost to the economy but I'll never forget how it bonded my family, my friends even. I miss their house on Wilshire court. People say " Oh why cause it's huge!" No... that house was more than that. Full of memories. Rolling down the big hill, it had Treehouse where I busted my head open and had to get stitches for the first time, the huge Christmas tree in the living room with endless presents underneath, having sandwiches at midnight with my grandparents while watching a TV show, where I was sheltered for 4 months of my life since we sold our home, the late night talks at sleepovers in the movie theatre, young women's gatherings/ sleepovers, pool and air hockey, the forts that were built and slept under, accidentally hitting tennis balls over the tennis court fence, Extreme hide and seek, Proms, Super Bowl parties, sitting on the roof with a dear person of mine, birthday parties,Halo/Rockband/GH/Bioshock on the big screen, the place where I begged to drive my Grandparents SL 500 Benz known as Optimus Prime, the notorious soda fridge,the garden where my cousin Cameron and I would go pick Jalapenos and we would eat them whole to see who would lose their composure first, the place where I had my sweet 16, the smell of canvas and paint, watching Gabe loaf around on the back of the couch, there are so many but most importantly it's the place where my Papa accepted the teachings of the LDS Gospel. I will never forget that night where I had my family gathered around and how we watched the Patriarch of my family burst into tears. I had never seen him cry before. Reminiscing is a wonderful thing. It proves that there was a day before today. I think it makes you feel more alive. It stimulates your senses. I've thought about it and I'm excited for some of the people that have just recently come into my life to read this posting. They will get to know me and my past a little bit better. Why the way I am to them today. I've worked on this posting for 3 hours now and it's worth it. It been enlightening to me and I'm grateful for those who have influenced my life and the memories that I have. I love my life it's been extremely rewarding. Thank you for reading this, It came from the heart and I have been blessed with a big one.

Introduction

About 5 minutes ago I decided to make myself a blog. Just to get everything from the inside out. I'm not an extraordinary writer but I believe that anything a human being puts down from the heart, from the soul is beautiful. It feels really good to me that anything I put down on here will get to someone, make them feel some form of emotion. That someone will feel something for me. I've thought a lot about that for the past week. Human Connection. It's a beautiful thing. I have just recently moved to Utah. 2,000 miles away from my home of 18 years in Georgia. I still feel connected to my loved ones back home. I miss my family and my closest friends. Its excruciating some days. Most days, I'll just lay motionless for who knows how long and think about each one of them, their cares, their troubles, the things that make them who they are or what I have done to deserve their friendship or love. I want to be the Hero and take away the problems they suffer through. I want to be there to hold them when they are hurt. I love hugs. When I give a person a hug its a big deal to me at least. Its my way of showing personal affection. I've been told many times I'm a good hugger maybe it is a gift. About two or three weeks ago I made myself a goal to learn a song on the guitar everyday. I'm actually accomplishing it. I'm getting better and better everyday. I even made a new capo for my guitar tonight (I lost my other one), out of a mechanical pencil and electric tape. It's blue and black and it works like a charm. I've been really stuck on a song for the past week. It's called California by Copeland. It's about the pain of distance. Which is what I feel pretty much everyday. It actually has a deep meaning, I found out a couple days ago. It's about the lead singers girlfriend. She was diagnosed with cancer and she had to leave her home in Florida and go recieve treatment in California. It's a powerful song. Copeland really seems to grasp human emotion. Their ballads seem simple but they cut deep. At least for me they do. It was a pretty good day today. The air in Utah valley was clear. I woke up early to finish my boyfriends valentines gift. Which I hope he loves it it's simple but it came from the heart. He has told me that he will love anything he gets from me but I still worry. Worrying. It's a curse. I worry all the time. If I don't worry I feel guilty. I feel like I don't care enough or love someone if I don't worry. Some don't understand my logic but that was the best way I could put it. I tend to go off on tangents. For the rest of my day I slept in till one in the afternoon. The real reason I sleep in is because I don't like being alone during the day. I don't have a car and my family is gone during the day. I can't just call someone up because I would be disrupting their daily routine whether its school or work or preparing for something. I went grocery shopping with my mom. In my PJ's. I found myself not caring today. I was just grateful to go outside and do something. The sun was out and it was warm. It was amazing. When we left the store I had a Brian Regan " You too" Moment. The Greeter Lady told me to have a good day and thanked me for coming in. I told her "You too". I gave my mom a weird look and we both laughed. It was nice. I helped make dinner and watched LOST with my mom. It was a nice way to end the day. I wish I could play my guitar right now but our place is small and you can hear practically everything. I just love the way I feel when I play it. It's one of the things saving my life out here. It's a way I can express myself. I'm a musician. I have been my whole life. Music is a huge part of who I am. I love collecting music it's a hobby and I love sharing music with others. My iTunes library is ridiculously organized I worked hard on it. 4 Days. That number and word have really made me just ache for the past week and a half. I found out that I will only be able to see my boyfriend (Tedd) for four days when I'm up at school in Idaho this summer. I think about it everyday. Everything loses it's appeal. It hurts like hell. He tells me it's going to be ok constantly it feels like. How is he so patient and understanding with me. He thanked me for supporting him and us the other day. It meant so much to me. I also had Phillips post something on my facebook wall today. That really hit me hard. I know she appreciates me and loves me. I don't want her to feel like I don't know that she does. Shes coming out west this weekend and I am so happy. She will be a little bit closer... I Love You. How can those three words hurt me so much but mean the world. They destroy me but I savor them. It doesn't matter who says them. If a person says I Love You to me and they aren't physically next to me It hurts. I feel hypocritical because I say it all the time to the ones closest to me and of course they are going to say it back. I want to see those three words typed out but then again a part of me doesn't. Sometimes I don't know what I want. I've thought about those three words and how I say them all the time. First of all I don't just say things just to be nice or to just say them. It's from the heart. I'm a sincere person. I really Love you. Sometimes I feel like I really need to cut back I don't want to seem dramatic or too touchy. I feel like a jerk if I don't say it. However, the reason why I want to cut back is because when I do say it to someone I want it to hit them hard and it not be like oh she told me that yesterday and brush it aside. People tend to become immune to certain things. I don't want the people I care mostly about to become immune to my I Love You's. Thats about all my thoughts for today. This feels good. I think I'll be using this quite a bit from now on. It took alot for me to say these things and I mean it all. Thank you to those who will be taking their time to read this. I Sincerely Thank You.