Monday, February 14, 2011

Give me a pen and paper and I'll tell you how I really feel

I used to think it would be nearly impossible to write down how I really felt about some things. Impossible equals doubt. Usually when you say something is impossible it's backed up with doubt.

I've been thinking about strength lately. Human strength. It's incredible. The strength of human love and human misery. Love and Misery tend to be the center of our world. They tend to bring out the best and worst in us. It's sad how when we have a problem we tend to become so focused on that one problem in our life. The problem seems to blur out everything else. It trumps all the good in our lives. We never really stick our heads out and look around for things that will help us. It's hard for me to stick my head out most of the time but that what we have to do. We have to help ourselves most of the time. That's what is cool about life, we learn. Even if we have to go through a trial so many times to figure it out. Usually the answer is staring at us right in the face. It's one big "Duh" moment.

Sometimes we have to sacrifice addictions or things that we take seriously to progress. It's a test of our strength. When life gets hard we have to take a leap of faith. We have to say "you know what I'm going to drop this this and this and I'm going to do this this and this." We have to have faith that our changes will make us strong and make us free. We have to step out of our comfort zone. You have to cut off the air supply to your doubt.

It's a burden to feel like you have failed yourself. When you have a goal and you failed to carry it out. It's a regret that I'm sure everyone has carried with them at one point or another. Regrets can hold you back. You have to forgive yourself, which is one of the hardest things to do for some people. Forgive and forget and try again. Your mind becomes open and your more willing to try when your not filled with regret. You also begin to see how much potential you have.

Strength is contagious. It starts with you. You begin to become weary of your problems and how much weight you carry on your shoulders. You start to change your mindset and think more clearly. You soak in the experience and you learn from it. You realize what has been your problem. You forgive yourself and move on. Then you catch the eye of the people who are close to you or even someone who isn't that close to you. They look at you with such curiosity. They wonder why you are so happy and calm about your current situation. Some may even ask you how your doing it or maybe they see your actions speaking louder than your words. They may start to look within themselves and start to look at their lives. Then with your example they begin to find their own strength and begin to change themselves. Then it starts over. How awesome is it to think that the courage you used to pull yourself out of your misery impacts others and helps them have the courage to help themselves.

Sadness is necessary in life because you wouldn't know what happiness feels like. However, you can't afford not to be happy. Fill your life with more happiness than sadness. You don't really realize how much you touch people. We were meant to be happy. Sadness is just a bump in road. Trials make you happier. It's just hard to see it when your caught in the middle of the storm .

Once you heal yourself there is so much good that can come from you.

Don't forget your worth.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Note to Self

Since the beginning of this year I have been extremely happy. I feel like a whole new person. My internal struggles have become dull and I feel so relieved. It's incredible. I'm more kind and patient. Patience has always been a thing I've struggled with especially with myself. This year I am determined to be better in every way possible. I don't know why I didn't start sooner. I guess I was meant to go through certain trials before I could feel this way. I wouldn't take it back. I feel like I have grown in personal strength and character. That what life is all about. Growing for yourself and Growing with others. Life is good. It's hard but good. We wouldn't know the good if we didn't know the bad.

Lately some of my friends have been struggling. Intense internal struggling. One of the things that I understand quite well. Before my personal change it used to hurt so bad to hear the things they went through. I still feel sadness but I know that they will be ok. They are growing sometimes the trials are harsh but they grow. I want my friends to grow in strength and character. I want the best for them. I feel like I have been able to help them more and be able to give better advice because I was calm.

Some people need to let loose. They need to consider all options to why someone didn't do one specific thing before they chew them out. Communication is so important. When communication is taken lightly it can be disastrous in the end. We don't know what people are going through. We can't always get things here and now.

I strongly dislike shallow people and their shallow thinking. You don't know who people are and how they feel and deal with things. Just except people. It's not that hard. You don't have to have a deep connection with everyone you meet but no one should cut someone down because they are different. Everyone is special in their own way. How can you cut someone down because they like a specific thing or because they won't participate in your normal routine. Everyone has different experiences and it molds them. Appearance is such a poor measure of a person.

Be kind. Listen. Serve others. Be the best that you can be.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Message in a Bottle

Being young and scared as hell isn't the most pleasant scenario. When your young and pushed into the world you tend to ask certain questions. Certain questions that bring on intense anxiety that you beg yourself to stop but you can't. The thoughts continually eat at you until there is almost nothing left. What are you doing with your life? Who is there for you? How are you in every aspect of your life?

I've had several friends lately that have struggled. When they struggle I have the strongest impulse to help them and solve their problems. I wish I could take certain emotions and thoughts away from them but I can't. I honestly love it when people vent to me when they have a serious problem. It shows that they trust me. Having strong personal relationships with the ones I care about is one of my top priorities. However some people don't like to tell me their problems because they know that sometimes they can stress me out. I stress because I know that I can't take away the problem or their sadness. I want them to tell me though. I don;t want to suffer but sometimes I do because I love them so much that it hurts to see them in pain or confused. It's frustrating to feel so much sometimes.

I have feared for some of my relationships lately. I don't know if I'm pushing them away or they just don't want to associate with me anymore or they have moved on. I just don't know. Sometimes I feel like I don't satisfy others enough so they slowly but surely drift. Sometimes I feel like I'm not talented enough or outgoing enough. Maybe I'm awkward. I don't know.

Crying doesn't get you anywhere sometimes but you do it anyway. Tears are for the Heart when to much pressure is placed upon it. That's usually how it goes for me. I'm struggling so much that all I know how to do in that exact moment is to just cry. You just break. Then you wonder how you got there. What is wrong with you? Why can't you just be happy and deal with your problems. Why can't you fix everything? People say you can get away from the things that bother you but not me. My fears and worries grow within me like a cancer.

The words "I don't know" are probably the most terrible words on the planet. Those words bring so much fear into my life. Sometimes I can't think straight for days on end because I don't know what is going to happen to me or my family or my friends. I hate worrying constantly. I'm always tired. I can't focus. It makes me irritable and angry.

Lately I feel like I haven't been in touch with myself spiritually. I feel empty and alone. The Spirit is not with me because of my anxiety. I fear all the time for myself. I haven't been at peace lately. I act happy around my peers but something is wrong with me. It is sitting in the deepest part of me and is holding me back like a dog on a chain. Some days my emotions and fears smother me and it makes me angry. So angry that I take it out on others and it's not right.

I'm not as nice and innocent as I used to be. I remember only a few years ago I was so much happier. I was calm inside. I felt the love of others and my God. I felt smart. I felt pretty. I was at ease. My family was better off. We were happy. My friends and I were closer. I miss that. All of that. Why is growing up so hard?

Why can't people be considerate? I don't understand how people don't care. I guess because well I care all the time.

I'm hurting emotionally and I don't want too. People tell me to get over it suck it up it's not a big deal but to me it is. People don't understand how I think and it frustrates me. I try to get people to understand because I want help. I want help like most people do.

Sarcasm. I hate it sometimes. It hurts and sometimes you wonder if the truth is coming out in certain statements. My heart can't take too much. There is a time and place for it. Sometimes it just breaks my heart.

I hate being a pain in the neck to people. I don't like to get in that way. I'd rather be abandoned than in someone's way of progressing.

Plain and simple things aren't always that simple and easy to carry out. The irony.

I have buried myself deep in certain things and it's going to be so hard to get out. You wonder why you stuck yourself in that hole in the first place. You knew it was going to hurt or that it didn't feel right but you did it anyway. You wanted results then and there.

Why do I feel so much? Why is my sensitivity stronger than others? I'm a mystery to my own self.

I don't like being this way. I don't like the feeling of anger or regret. I regret some things I've done in my life but who hasn't. Sometimes you need to have your own little vent session. My life is not hard. There are so many others that suffer more than I do. So I look back on this letter and tell myself that most of this is worthless. But then again it's not. These are the trials that I have been blessed with and they are very hard on me. They make me stronger but today I feel like I have hit a low point and I just want to go numb.

We are never alone but sometimes you just can't help but feel that way.

"I walked out his morning and I don't believe what I saw, a hundred billion bottles washed upon the shore, seems like I'm not alone in being alone."

Saturday, November 27, 2010


I haven't posted in awhile. I'm a slacker. Always have been and probably always will be. This post might be scattered so those who keep up with this just bare with me.

Thanksgiving has been awesome this week. I've needed a break so badly. I've been sick this whole week but thats ok. My family from the south came out to visit. I have missed them so much. I miss the south. It's my home. I miss the accents and the fattening food. They have been wonderful. I think i have picked up on their accents so I might be going back up to school with an accent.

I've gained some poundage. My love handles are back but oh well it was worth it.I have a date with p90x when I get back to Rexburg.

I'm not looking forward to winter AT ALL. I miss Frisbee already. I'm addicted.

I miss my crew.

My best friend randomly texted me and said that she loves me today. It made me happy and less stressed about the things that were going on.

I went to the mall today for Black Friday and had no money to spend. Awesome.

I want to go snowmobiling. Hopefully I'm going soon. I feel like I need a shot of adrenaline.

I have a date when I get back to Rexburg that I'm excited about. It will be nice to go out, have fun and relax. He's cute too.

I love my family and my friends. I'm so grateful for them.

Hopefully I'll write more in the future. I just have to have the time.

Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


I should have written this yesterday.


I just want to start out by saying I love you. I know I tell you this quite often but I mean it sincerely every time. Your my buddy. I can't believe we are both 20 now. This is the first time I have been able to be with you on your actual birthday and it has been awesome. I'm glad that I was able to tell you Happy Birthday face to face in mama and papas van at 8:40 baha. I'm grateful to spend these last couple weeks with you before you head back home to Georgia because we might not see each other for almost a year. We have been through a lot together. We know each others weaknesses and faults but we still stick together and support one another. You have my back and I have yours. I am blessed to know you. You make me laugh. You give me a good kick when I really need it. Your special and I am grateful that you have let me be part of your life. Your loyal to me. You stick up for me. Your protective of me and I can see it. You encourage me to do things that I have a hard time doing. You encourage me to express myself and that means a lot because it is hard for me to express myself most of the time. You try to understand me and my crazy problems. Your hugs mean the world to me. You put up with my nonsense. I love our deep conversations. I love how you have courtesy for others. I love seeing you happy. It hurts me to see you hurt or angry.

There are certain things that you do that make you original like wearing white foakleys on your head during frisbee games and well pretty much everywhere we go and playing pacifism and eating peanut butter straight out of the jar at the same time and you like to sit on counters and tables. I think it's awesome that we have certain names for each other like dood, bud and snuggleslut. I think your an amazing photographer. You have a gift and you use it. Thank you for sharing your talent with me. You have taken amazing pictures of our crazy adventures :) I look at those pictures quite often. Your an awesome tennis player too. I love how you value nature. You love animals and you love to take care of them. I love how you catch 12:34 all the time. Your so good at Halo that you manage to save yourself and I because I'm so oblivious. I think it's hilarious that your a pack rat. You make a mean quesodilla and pozole. I love how we are ridiculously amazing at quoting movies and comedians. I think its awesome that your able to fix things like your xbox and sometimes my laptop because I can be technology challenged. We never have boys at the same time but we will eventually. I love how we talk about memories randomly in our conversations for example 8th grade day, halo nights, girls camp and proms. I love how deep we get into personality tests and try to read people. I enjoy playing guitar with you. It's funny how you complain about the stupid F chord and how your pinky doesn't reach far enough. I love how we clap during songs and how we randomly burst into song. Your frisbee throwing face cracks me up. I love how we picked up frisbee together and we helped each other get better. It was fun coaching with you even though we were making it up as we went. We are slackers. We were in high school and well we still are slackers. We can both be indecisive. We both drive each other crazy but still love each other. We can eat cereal, instant mashed potatoes, quesodillas and PBJ's like nobody's business. I love our road trips and one on one times we have had together. I love it when we are silent. I am comfortable being silent with you when usually I am uncomfortable being silent with others. You help me relax when I panic.

In the course of our friendship you have been patient with me. Your still here. Thank You its what I needed. The simple things you do for me don't go unnoticed they mean a lot to me. I never thought you were intimidating. You have a kind heart. I try to be the best friend that you deserve. You mean the world to me and so does our friendship. After Havasu we will be going our separate ways for awhile but I want you to know that I am here for you. I will be here for you for whatever circumstance you are in. I will drop whatever I am doing to help you. No matter what.

I feel like this letter is ridiculously scattered :)but it came from the heart.Happy Birthday Briana.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Love isn't a bad thing to say

Broken. I'm overbearing. It was cold. I waited... I waited for that contact .I'm alone again. Damn Anxiety. I'm angry. I'm distraught. I tried to hold it together. Make it feel good or right. I tried to grasp the passion that I longed for and the other didn't really feel anything. Trying doesn't get you anywhere. I put it all out there... I put it all on the line. Again. My heart is always on the line. It's never calm. It's always on a high or it's broken. I knew it was coming. It doesn't make it hurt any less. I told you so is a terrible phrase. I hate it. I FEEL LIKE I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE RIGHT TO HURT because I knew it was coming. Everyone did. Everyone judged. I told you so. It truly shakes me to my core and I'm slow to anger. No one knew how I felt. No one knew what that whole experience meant to me. I need support. This freaking post probably doesn't even make sense. I'm tired. I'm worn out. I've lost all my tread. Apparently I'm too sensitive. Its true. I need stability. I need a lot of things. Actually I want a lot of things. For being such a self sacrificing personality I'm selfish. I don't care anymore. I'm beating myself over something I cannot control. Typical. Everyone sees it. Everyone calls me on it. Everyone calls me on my worrying problems. Thats not all I am. I feel guilty. I didn't bring enough to the table. I'm just broken. Crying doesn't get you anywhere. No one can mend you. Your the only one that can hold the needle and sew yourself back up but you want someone to be there to watch. To be your support. It's hard being me. I struggle. A lot. I'm never empty. I'm scared. I'm scared of myself. Others don't see me as being a scary person. I'm the scariest person I know. Love isn't a bad thing to say. When I say it I mean it. When I say it to the people close to me I want them to soak it in and know that I am there for them. I don't mean to make people feel uncomfortable when I say it. I really don't. I FEEL. THATS ALL I DO. When I have an impulse to say something deep or say I love you I'm need/want to say it. I said it to someone close to me and he asked me why...He asked me why I said it so much. It hurts so bad to think about it and It's going to haunt me. It's going to haunt me for a long time. It died. The love that I had just died.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

June 9th

June 9th...

Finally. I finally get to see Teddy. I talked to his mom last night and they have been very generous to fly me out for Teddy's graduation on the 13th. I get to see him in 22 days. Finally. I don't even know what I'm going to do when I see him.I have an idea but who knows how things will turn out. Do we ever know how things are going to turn out. That's one of the scariest things about life.

I had a good friend ask me about my blog last night. She asked why I don't write on my blog anymore. It touched me. I knew that she actually read the things that I have previously put down. It means a lot.

School is kicking my trash. 16 credits is a hand full. Especially my Anatomy class. I enjoy it but its a tough one.

I had an epiphany yesterday. People ask me all the time why I want to be a Physical therapist.I've always said oh it's a secure job or I think it would be cool to work with athletes since I am one. It would also be a social job and I would be helping people heal. But I think the main reason for my future career path is because of my mom. My mom has Multiple Sclerosis. One day she will have to undergo intensive physical therapy because her body will slowly start to shut down due to her lack of strength in her nervous system. I would love to help my mom heal or keep her strength as long as she can. I want her to enjoy her life. I Love You Mom.

I love Frisbee. I'm so happy to be playing again. I'm happy to be running again and playing with good friends. It feels good to teach someone how to throw or defend.

I'm losing weight. I'm still healthy though.

I'm having a great semester so far. I have great roommates and good classes. It's summer. It's warm. I'm still peeling from previous sunburns but I don't look sick anymore. This semester is flying by. It's sad. I don't want it too. My life has felt that way lately. It's like I don't have time to seize the moment anymore. Being an adult isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Your constantly worrying about something or always thinking ahead. Always have to think ahead.