I thought I had control, I thought this went away

It's Come Back and I'm scared. It crippled me in my childhood and it's back. I see my other family members struggle with it and I can't stand it. I've think I'm slowly become one of them again and it's sad. I know whats been making me "a little off" these past months. I want to be mentally healthy completely. I've wanted to find ways to cure them but how can I when I can't cure myself. Shaking, crying, hard breathing, sweating, hard heartbeat... feeling like your being smothered or maybe feeling like a boulder is hanging above your head either way. I'm having one of the biggest adrenaline rushes of my life right now. STRAIGHT UP PANIC. I can't explain it. Sounds kinda dumb but I literally feel like I lost my brother or someone else close to me at Disneyworld or the Mall and I couldn't find them for a good hour. Wondering where they are, if someone took them or hurt them. That's the best way I can put it. I can't sleep. I can't even play my guitar right... This is why I'm not super outgoing. I'm mellow because I am afraid. Not just saying that. I'm really scared to put myself out there. I wish I was a little bit stronger and not afraid. It's hard to understand or explain. I don't know why I just don't do it. I want to be fun and I want to be normal. I want to be a normal college girl. The girl you can go clubbing with or jokingly make fun and not get upset or extremely embarrassed. I just want to be ok. I miss out on a lot of things because of this.I'm never enough it seems like or maybe I'm too much to handle. I want people to be pleased with me especially my family, my boyfriend, my friends. I want satisfaction. I want to be at least satisfactory. My head feels like its about to explode. Walls literally feel like they are closing in. I feel like throwing up I might. I've finally hit the top. I haven't had this happen in years. I've come close several times. But this. It hasn't happened in years. It's back I don't know how to handle it. Thank you genetics. My heart is pounding so hard right now it hurts and I'm sweating bullets. Maybe this is what having a heart attack feels like. I've forgotten how this feels and it's slowly and painfully coming back. I don't want it to come back. It's like the plague. I don't want people to be angry with me anymore. I try my best. To be a good sister daughter friend girlfriend. I really do. But I always seem to make a mistake or maybe I don't make a mistake at all it's just me and it just offends one or makes one question. I don't mean to hurt others. I love the ones close to me. I really do. I'd die for them or take a bullet. I need to disappear for awhile I might do that. I'll just be silent. Maybe thats what I need. I have to heal from this cause it's scaring me. This blog is helping right now I had to get it out needed to calm down. I thought I had control I thought this went away. Anxiety...welcome back