A Fading Heartbeat

When you have something that makes your heartbeat you would you do anything to keep it? There are some things I can't change about myself. Not only that I can't... I won't. My beliefs and emotions are a huge part of me. I want them to be noticed. I feel like I'm showing my true self. I feel Delusional. I'm speechless. I'm hurt. I don't want to worry about things anymore. I'm tired. Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I cry because I feel like I;m overreacting and look stupid. I want things to be good and chill all the time. I want peace. I want others to feel happy around me. Confide in me easily. When people think about me I want them to smile. Not look back and say I could never be myself around her or she hurt me. I have hurt people physically, mentally, emotionally. It comes to my attention a lot. It hurts me. I regret. People say they want to pass on having no regrets. I will. My actions in the past will forever haunt me. It doesn't matter if I'm forgiven. It's just going to stay and I can't help it. I'm slowly starting to go numb emotionally now. I can feel it. You can only beat yourself up so much before you finally break. Homesickness, Distance and honesty are breaking me in two. People say grow up. Your in college now. You should focus on getting married or getting a career. Am I just supposed to forget everything before Utah. No. How dare they. Pisses me off when people say that to me. I will not and I can not. I miss my bonds with certain people. I haven't had a hug in awhile. I want one. I want to give one. I absolutely hate it when I turn in on myself when others are venting something deep and depressing to me. They need help. I do listen. I soak it in. I want to make things better. But after I turn in on myself and I get depressed because they are hurt. How selfish is that? I feel selfish. I feel bad. This post is bleak. But I don't care. I had to get this monster out. Sometimes you need to be held. I do. I don't want things to be a lie. Mostly my bonds with people because I cherish them. I appreciate honesty. But it's also ok to be hurt by the truth. It's better than a lie and fake happiness. I don't want others to be unhappy or feel like they have to be two faced with me. I want You. Just You.

By The Way. I cannot stand when people overstep their boundaries with their opinions. Just keep your mouth shut. Some people do not have a frickin clue. Your opinion does not matter. Others would say well if their opinion doesn't matter why get all worked up about it. I feel like getting worked up about it. I need to let it out. I am not perfect I have said some stupid arrogant things in my life but I have people's feelings and I have courtesy on mind. Don't talk about others that I extremely care about. You can trash me all you want. Generally I'm a nice chill person. But I will stick up for my loved ones. IF ANYTHING I will be heard about that. They mean to much to me for me to brush it aside. Anger is not a comfortable position. I don't like to be angry. Who does.

Why isn't Ultimate an olympic sport. It should be. It's been on my mind. I miss it. I miss running. I don't like running without a purpose. I want to cherrypick. I miss my hurricane uniform. 2. I miss flicking.

99% Feeler

I'm slacking on this blog. I don't know why I don't write in it everyday it makes me feel better. I think I'm becoming a neat freak... I don't know why. I just spent almost four hours cleaning my place up because little things are starting to bother me. Having a small place seems to gather more junk. I miss having a house. My home back in Georgia was huge compared to this place. I learned an awesome song on the guitar today. Only Hope by Switchfoot. It's a pretty song and it was just nice to relax and play my guitar. I hate waiting for things to come in the mail. I'm really impatient. I just want my new skullcandy's to come in. My old ones have a short in them so listening to music becomes frustrating. Tedd got his valentines day gift yesterday it took awhile to get there but it was well worth it to see his face. It pretty much made my week so far. Danielle has been editing her pictures from her Georgia trip a couple months ago for the past hour. She wants me to look at them and state my opinion whether they look good or not. I honestly don't want too. It hurts. I miss my cousins, my Grandparents and Gabe. I'm tired of hurting. I try to be positive. Sometimes I feel like I can't progress. The curse of being a Blue. I was doing a little research on myself the other day. I looked up the Blue on the color code and the INFP on the Myers Briggs. It seems that Hurting comes natural to me. According to the Myers- Briggs I'm a 99% feeler and 64% Introvert. I take everything in. Basically, In the end everything boils down to my heart. The littlest things can just kill me I don't know why. I'm just really sensitive. I want things to be good all the time. I want people around me to feel good all the time. I want to be loved and appreciated. Basically I want a fairy tale that is never going to happen. I'm starting to workout again. I think it will make me feel better and will help me get ready for Frisbee season this summer. I'm so excited. I look at my Frisbee everyday. It makes me sad that it's not being played with. My throw is probably going to be horrible by the time summer rolls around. I should pick up fast though. I'm starting to get on my family's nerves. I can tell. I've been moody lately. It's sad how people unleash on the people close to them. I think they do it because they know those people will always stick by them. I need to be better. If anyone you should be kind to your family first. Your with them forever.... I miss simplicity. I hate burdens. I'm stuck.

Distance, Dates and Olympians

I find it easier to talk to little kids than adults for some reason. Kids are innocent and they aren't judgmental. I talked to a 6 year old named DJ yesterday. We talked about friends and moving. He asked me where I moved from and I said all my friends are back in Georgia. He asked me where Georgia was so I drew him a map on a sticky note then he knew where it was. He said thats really really far away! I just laughed and said yeah it is. We also talked about bullying. He told me that he was being bullied by one of his "friends". Then on a positive note he said that him and his best friend get along so well. He said I do everything with him and he's way nice to me. That made me really happy. Sad to say but in some cases when I was younger I was pushed around because I just hate confrontation, I want peace. I told him to stay away from that other kid and stick with his best friend because it's worth it when you have one. I don't know if he took all of that in. But it felt really good to just talk and not talk about taxes or jobs like adults do. I felt like a kid. I don't think I'm ready to grow up. It's scary to me... I've worked 18 hours the past two days. I'm tired. So much of this might not make sense. I thought it was really awesome that the Republic of Georgia walked in the Olympic lineup. Even though they all fought to keep their composure over the death of their Teammate, Friend, Brother, Son and Olympian. He died doing what he loved. I'm really glad that they are staying in the Olympics. The last thing Nodar would have wanted was for them to pull out. It was just really touching to see them walk... I know how to play California by Copeland by heart now. Other than Why Georgia it's my fall back song. I have my own twist to it. It's really nice to hear yourself play something beautiful. It's coming from you and no one else. You give yourself a concert. I miss frisbee. I miss my friends. I miss my gparents and gabe.... I went out on a date with Steph tonight. It was great I got to dress up and she bought me yogurt from a place called Spoon Me.bahaha. I think thats absolutely hilarious. But it was way good. It was nice to catch up with a good friend, it made me come back to sanity. Thank You Stephanie Facemyer :) Sweats, Ice Cream and Olympics sound really good right now....

Houses and Hot Chocolate

I haven't had a good day like this in a long time. I'm savoring it. This morning I woke up to my valentines day gift sitting on the pillow next to mine. My mom was begging me to open it but I told her I had to wait until Tedd could see me open it. I ended up organizing my room and getting ready for work. I felt really accomplished. To get to work I have to take this 3 mile long road called Lehi main. It's the only road that takes me to I-15, the main interstate in Utah. Instead of taking the 7-10 minutes I usually take to drive down that particular road, it took me a good 30 minutes. Traffic usually frustrates me but today it didn't. I just so happened to stop right behind this house that I've seen quite a bit since I've moved here. I don't know why this house didn't capture my attention before. The house was beautiful on the outside, it looked brand new but something caught my eye on the back of the house. It was their back door. It was beaten and weather torn. It just seemed out of place. Eventually traffic let up and I was able to roll about half a mile. I couldn't (and still can't) get that back door out of my mind. It got me thinking about life and how we all change. When we grow old...we move away, get married, get careers,and have families. We all get a new casing, a new us. That house was like the new casing. Beautiful, new, fresh, had so much potential. Then I thought about that back door. I was like that door isn't out of place it's there for a reason if the owner decided to keep it there. It had a purpose. I like to think of that back door as the part of ourselves that we keep. It's the part of us that never goes away. It's what make us unique...We all build our own houses but we will always keep that back door. My mind was incredibly open today I don't know why. Work was really good today. I felt like I bonded with my coworkers more and I was able to talk with clients easier than normal. One guy called me to make an appointment and he ended the conversation with "Wow you must really be in a good mood today" I just replied " yes sir it's been a great day today" It just felt really good that someone noticed my optimism. I can't stop looking at my valentines day present from Tedd. It makes me laugh. It's an Urban Dictionary mug with the definition of my name on the back. It's just awesome. Drinking hot chocolate just got 100 times better. Thank You Teddy you made my day. This posting is going to be short but I've gotten the highlights out. Now... I'm going to go and make myself a cup of hot chocolate.

Who's Up For Round Two?

Putting your iTunes on shuffle is really entertaining. Going from Ludacris to Mormon Tabernacle Choir, from John Mayer to Taking Back Sunday, Disturbed to Jack Johnson. It covers the wide spectrum of emotions that people feel. It shows a lot about your character and how you feel. If you looked at my library you'd probably think I was insane. I have a broad range because I am open to new music. I appreciate the work musicians do because I am one. It's hard to compose a song believe me I've tried. Its amazing what musicians pull out. What they what their message to be. There is a song for everything. Whether you want your soul to be at peace or whether you have the impulse to mosh. Or when someone breaks your heart in two or if you want to get pumped up for a game of Ultimate. Sometimes I like to play just one portion of a song over and over again. Like More than a Feeling by Boston. Classic song. There is one part of the song that I just love to hear. It's towards the end. 3:15-4:39. Its the pretty much the climax. Where the band just unleashes. Brad Delp(Lead singer) Just lets it out. Tom Scholtz(Lead Guitarist)shreds. Jeff Neal(Drummer)and his gut busting solo. Its amazing how the band works to send out a message. They end on a haunting echo that just stays ingrained in my mind. Truly a great song. I got a nice call today from Jeena. It's really nice to catch up with good/old/meaningful friends. Her laugh makes me laugh I don't know why it just does. She filled me in with some insights. I found out that I'm addicted to Black people and I found out that John Mayer is racist. Thats a bit Unfortunate. I don't know the reasoning behind it yet but I'll find out soon enough. She won't let me forget it.:) The Office makes me laugh so hard. The awkward scenarios and the connections between all the characters. I watch a couple episodes everyday. I actually have some characters that work in my office. I have a young Creed that sits right next to me, a white Stanley that works right in front of me and I just recently found out that I have an Oscar, he's not flamboyantly gay and he's way nice. I love him he helps me out a lot. It's quite entertaining. I could see my mountain this morning. It was incredible like always. I have a bad habit of looking at it when I drive. If I get in an accident thats what I'm going to blame. The sunrise hits it perfectly. The colors that bounce off of it are almost every color imaginable. My mountain is so beautiful it doesn't even look real, it's like a mirage. If you ever come visit me I will take you there. It would be selfish of me not to share that experience with you. Miss Congeniality is hilarious. If you have the time to watch it please do. Danielle and I just busted out for a good hour and a half. It was great. I love seeing people super excited about something. Tonight my mom busted into my room and showed me all the stuff she saved on at Walgreens. She bought 9 huge bottles of shampoo, hair color, scissors, 4 three musketeers, a pack of paper towels, and two boxes of Kleenex for 7 BUCKS and got 10 BUCKS BACK! I still can't believe it. I think it's hilarious. Phillips and I have our lifetime supply of shampoo for college now. I had an interesting conversation with Phillips and some kid I don't even know. Talking about personalities. Things that make us tick. He felt passionately about the Myers-Briggs test he knew it backwards and forwards from what I saw, it blew my mind. Thats how I feel about the color code. I discovered the other day that all my closest friends are Red (or have a good streak of red in them). In some aspects my opposite. Opposites attract. Blues need Reds to get them a good kick back into reality. Reds need Blues for emotional needs. I need a good kick every once in awhile. Thank you Reds :) Tedd is Blue. He understands most of my views,logic,and emotions. It's nice :) So I got to see what Maine looks like through Google Maps. I got to see where Tedd was working and living. It was comforting to see where he was and to know that he was in a safe place since He is far from home. I'm proud of him for what he is doing. I researched the type of boat he's currently in the process of building. It's going to be amazing piece of craftsmanship when it is completed. I can't wait to see it. I'm really tied to this one artist named Alexi Murdoch. He's just super chill and his lyrics seem to match my emotions. I discovered him off of a movie called Away We Go. It was made by the same director of Juno. So it was awkwardly hilarious and It had Jim from the Office in it too. He's a brilliant actor... I love art. It's a big part of my life. I love museums. I love to walk through them and state my opinion. When I see a painting or a sketch I appreciate every stroke or line the artist made. I try to feel what they felt when they constructed their piece. My mom is an artist. Danielle is an artist. I watch them plan out and finish their masterpieces. My mom is the best to watch. Her hair is all in a mess and She wears a worn out apron that has done more than served its purpose. She blasts her 80's or Broadway musical music and goes to town. She is so happy when she does it. It makes me want to cry sometimes that she doesn't have her art studio anymore. Shes an amazing woman and she makes do with whatever she has. I hope to be like her one day. I try to draw sometimes. I've done a few sketches... My Grandparents used to own the largest original art distributor on the east coast. Unfortunately it was lost to the economy but I'll never forget how it bonded my family, my friends even. I miss their house on Wilshire court. People say " Oh why cause it's huge!" No... that house was more than that. Full of memories. Rolling down the big hill, it had Treehouse where I busted my head open and had to get stitches for the first time, the huge Christmas tree in the living room with endless presents underneath, having sandwiches at midnight with my grandparents while watching a TV show, where I was sheltered for 4 months of my life since we sold our home, the late night talks at sleepovers in the movie theatre, young women's gatherings/ sleepovers, pool and air hockey, the forts that were built and slept under, accidentally hitting tennis balls over the tennis court fence, Extreme hide and seek, Proms, Super Bowl parties, sitting on the roof with a dear person of mine, birthday parties,Halo/Rockband/GH/Bioshock on the big screen, the place where I begged to drive my Grandparents SL 500 Benz known as Optimus Prime, the notorious soda fridge,the garden where my cousin Cameron and I would go pick Jalapenos and we would eat them whole to see who would lose their composure first, the place where I had my sweet 16, the smell of canvas and paint, watching Gabe loaf around on the back of the couch, there are so many but most importantly it's the place where my Papa accepted the teachings of the LDS Gospel. I will never forget that night where I had my family gathered around and how we watched the Patriarch of my family burst into tears. I had never seen him cry before. Reminiscing is a wonderful thing. It proves that there was a day before today. I think it makes you feel more alive. It stimulates your senses. I've thought about it and I'm excited for some of the people that have just recently come into my life to read this posting. They will get to know me and my past a little bit better. Why the way I am to them today. I've worked on this posting for 3 hours now and it's worth it. It been enlightening to me and I'm grateful for those who have influenced my life and the memories that I have. I love my life it's been extremely rewarding. Thank you for reading this, It came from the heart and I have been blessed with a big one.

Introduction

About 5 minutes ago I decided to make myself a blog. Just to get everything from the inside out. I'm not an extraordinary writer but I believe that anything a human being puts down from the heart, from the soul is beautiful. It feels really good to me that anything I put down on here will get to someone, make them feel some form of emotion. That someone will feel something for me. I've thought a lot about that for the past week. Human Connection. It's a beautiful thing. I have just recently moved to Utah. 2,000 miles away from my home of 18 years in Georgia. I still feel connected to my loved ones back home. I miss my family and my closest friends. Its excruciating some days. Most days, I'll just lay motionless for who knows how long and think about each one of them, their cares, their troubles, the things that make them who they are or what I have done to deserve their friendship or love. I want to be the Hero and take away the problems they suffer through. I want to be there to hold them when they are hurt. I love hugs. When I give a person a hug its a big deal to me at least. Its my way of showing personal affection. I've been told many times I'm a good hugger maybe it is a gift. About two or three weeks ago I made myself a goal to learn a song on the guitar everyday. I'm actually accomplishing it. I'm getting better and better everyday. I even made a new capo for my guitar tonight (I lost my other one), out of a mechanical pencil and electric tape. It's blue and black and it works like a charm. I've been really stuck on a song for the past week. It's called California by Copeland. It's about the pain of distance. Which is what I feel pretty much everyday. It actually has a deep meaning, I found out a couple days ago. It's about the lead singers girlfriend. She was diagnosed with cancer and she had to leave her home in Florida and go recieve treatment in California. It's a powerful song. Copeland really seems to grasp human emotion. Their ballads seem simple but they cut deep. At least for me they do. It was a pretty good day today. The air in Utah valley was clear. I woke up early to finish my boyfriends valentines gift. Which I hope he loves it it's simple but it came from the heart. He has told me that he will love anything he gets from me but I still worry. Worrying. It's a curse. I worry all the time. If I don't worry I feel guilty. I feel like I don't care enough or love someone if I don't worry. Some don't understand my logic but that was the best way I could put it. I tend to go off on tangents. For the rest of my day I slept in till one in the afternoon. The real reason I sleep in is because I don't like being alone during the day. I don't have a car and my family is gone during the day. I can't just call someone up because I would be disrupting their daily routine whether its school or work or preparing for something. I went grocery shopping with my mom. In my PJ's. I found myself not caring today. I was just grateful to go outside and do something. The sun was out and it was warm. It was amazing. When we left the store I had a Brian Regan " You too" Moment. The Greeter Lady told me to have a good day and thanked me for coming in. I told her "You too". I gave my mom a weird look and we both laughed. It was nice. I helped make dinner and watched LOST with my mom. It was a nice way to end the day. I wish I could play my guitar right now but our place is small and you can hear practically everything. I just love the way I feel when I play it. It's one of the things saving my life out here. It's a way I can express myself. I'm a musician. I have been my whole life. Music is a huge part of who I am. I love collecting music it's a hobby and I love sharing music with others. My iTunes library is ridiculously organized I worked hard on it. 4 Days. That number and word have really made me just ache for the past week and a half. I found out that I will only be able to see my boyfriend (Tedd) for four days when I'm up at school in Idaho this summer. I think about it everyday. Everything loses it's appeal. It hurts like hell. He tells me it's going to be ok constantly it feels like. How is he so patient and understanding with me. He thanked me for supporting him and us the other day. It meant so much to me. I also had Phillips post something on my facebook wall today. That really hit me hard. I know she appreciates me and loves me. I don't want her to feel like I don't know that she does. Shes coming out west this weekend and I am so happy. She will be a little bit closer... I Love You. How can those three words hurt me so much but mean the world. They destroy me but I savor them. It doesn't matter who says them. If a person says I Love You to me and they aren't physically next to me It hurts. I feel hypocritical because I say it all the time to the ones closest to me and of course they are going to say it back. I want to see those three words typed out but then again a part of me doesn't. Sometimes I don't know what I want. I've thought about those three words and how I say them all the time. First of all I don't just say things just to be nice or to just say them. It's from the heart. I'm a sincere person. I really Love you. Sometimes I feel like I really need to cut back I don't want to seem dramatic or too touchy. I feel like a jerk if I don't say it. However, the reason why I want to cut back is because when I do say it to someone I want it to hit them hard and it not be like oh she told me that yesterday and brush it aside. People tend to become immune to certain things. I don't want the people I care mostly about to become immune to my I Love You's. Thats about all my thoughts for today. This feels good. I think I'll be using this quite a bit from now on. It took alot for me to say these things and I mean it all. Thank you to those who will be taking their time to read this. I Sincerely Thank You.