A Fading Heartbeat

When you have something that makes your heartbeat you would you do anything to keep it? There are some things I can't change about myself. Not only that I can't... I won't. My beliefs and emotions are a huge part of me. I want them to be noticed. I feel like I'm showing my true self. I feel Delusional. I'm speechless. I'm hurt. I don't want to worry about things anymore. I'm tired. Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I cry because I feel like I;m overreacting and look stupid. I want things to be good and chill all the time. I want peace. I want others to feel happy around me. Confide in me easily. When people think about me I want them to smile. Not look back and say I could never be myself around her or she hurt me. I have hurt people physically, mentally, emotionally. It comes to my attention a lot. It hurts me. I regret. People say they want to pass on having no regrets. I will. My actions in the past will forever haunt me. It doesn't matter if I'm forgiven. It's just going to stay and I can't help it. I'm slowly starting to go numb emotionally now. I can feel it. You can only beat yourself up so much before you finally break. Homesickness, Distance and honesty are breaking me in two. People say grow up. Your in college now. You should focus on getting married or getting a career. Am I just supposed to forget everything before Utah. No. How dare they. Pisses me off when people say that to me. I will not and I can not. I miss my bonds with certain people. I haven't had a hug in awhile. I want one. I want to give one. I absolutely hate it when I turn in on myself when others are venting something deep and depressing to me. They need help. I do listen. I soak it in. I want to make things better. But after I turn in on myself and I get depressed because they are hurt. How selfish is that? I feel selfish. I feel bad. This post is bleak. But I don't care. I had to get this monster out. Sometimes you need to be held. I do. I don't want things to be a lie. Mostly my bonds with people because I cherish them. I appreciate honesty. But it's also ok to be hurt by the truth. It's better than a lie and fake happiness. I don't want others to be unhappy or feel like they have to be two faced with me. I want You. Just You.

By The Way. I cannot stand when people overstep their boundaries with their opinions. Just keep your mouth shut. Some people do not have a frickin clue. Your opinion does not matter. Others would say well if their opinion doesn't matter why get all worked up about it. I feel like getting worked up about it. I need to let it out. I am not perfect I have said some stupid arrogant things in my life but I have people's feelings and I have courtesy on mind. Don't talk about others that I extremely care about. You can trash me all you want. Generally I'm a nice chill person. But I will stick up for my loved ones. IF ANYTHING I will be heard about that. They mean to much to me for me to brush it aside. Anger is not a comfortable position. I don't like to be angry. Who does.

Why isn't Ultimate an olympic sport. It should be. It's been on my mind. I miss it. I miss running. I don't like running without a purpose. I want to cherrypick. I miss my hurricane uniform. 2. I miss flicking.