Introduction

About 5 minutes ago I decided to make myself a blog. Just to get everything from the inside out. I'm not an extraordinary writer but I believe that anything a human being puts down from the heart, from the soul is beautiful. It feels really good to me that anything I put down on here will get to someone, make them feel some form of emotion. That someone will feel something for me. I've thought a lot about that for the past week. Human Connection. It's a beautiful thing. I have just recently moved to Utah. 2,000 miles away from my home of 18 years in Georgia. I still feel connected to my loved ones back home. I miss my family and my closest friends. Its excruciating some days. Most days, I'll just lay motionless for who knows how long and think about each one of them, their cares, their troubles, the things that make them who they are or what I have done to deserve their friendship or love. I want to be the Hero and take away the problems they suffer through. I want to be there to hold them when they are hurt. I love hugs. When I give a person a hug its a big deal to me at least. Its my way of showing personal affection. I've been told many times I'm a good hugger maybe it is a gift. About two or three weeks ago I made myself a goal to learn a song on the guitar everyday. I'm actually accomplishing it. I'm getting better and better everyday. I even made a new capo for my guitar tonight (I lost my other one), out of a mechanical pencil and electric tape. It's blue and black and it works like a charm. I've been really stuck on a song for the past week. It's called California by Copeland. It's about the pain of distance. Which is what I feel pretty much everyday. It actually has a deep meaning, I found out a couple days ago. It's about the lead singers girlfriend. She was diagnosed with cancer and she had to leave her home in Florida and go recieve treatment in California. It's a powerful song. Copeland really seems to grasp human emotion. Their ballads seem simple but they cut deep. At least for me they do. It was a pretty good day today. The air in Utah valley was clear. I woke up early to finish my boyfriends valentines gift. Which I hope he loves it it's simple but it came from the heart. He has told me that he will love anything he gets from me but I still worry. Worrying. It's a curse. I worry all the time. If I don't worry I feel guilty. I feel like I don't care enough or love someone if I don't worry. Some don't understand my logic but that was the best way I could put it. I tend to go off on tangents. For the rest of my day I slept in till one in the afternoon. The real reason I sleep in is because I don't like being alone during the day. I don't have a car and my family is gone during the day. I can't just call someone up because I would be disrupting their daily routine whether its school or work or preparing for something. I went grocery shopping with my mom. In my PJ's. I found myself not caring today. I was just grateful to go outside and do something. The sun was out and it was warm. It was amazing. When we left the store I had a Brian Regan " You too" Moment. The Greeter Lady told me to have a good day and thanked me for coming in. I told her "You too". I gave my mom a weird look and we both laughed. It was nice. I helped make dinner and watched LOST with my mom. It was a nice way to end the day. I wish I could play my guitar right now but our place is small and you can hear practically everything. I just love the way I feel when I play it. It's one of the things saving my life out here. It's a way I can express myself. I'm a musician. I have been my whole life. Music is a huge part of who I am. I love collecting music it's a hobby and I love sharing music with others. My iTunes library is ridiculously organized I worked hard on it. 4 Days. That number and word have really made me just ache for the past week and a half. I found out that I will only be able to see my boyfriend (Tedd) for four days when I'm up at school in Idaho this summer. I think about it everyday. Everything loses it's appeal. It hurts like hell. He tells me it's going to be ok constantly it feels like. How is he so patient and understanding with me. He thanked me for supporting him and us the other day. It meant so much to me. I also had Phillips post something on my facebook wall today. That really hit me hard. I know she appreciates me and loves me. I don't want her to feel like I don't know that she does. Shes coming out west this weekend and I am so happy. She will be a little bit closer... I Love You. How can those three words hurt me so much but mean the world. They destroy me but I savor them. It doesn't matter who says them. If a person says I Love You to me and they aren't physically next to me It hurts. I feel hypocritical because I say it all the time to the ones closest to me and of course they are going to say it back. I want to see those three words typed out but then again a part of me doesn't. Sometimes I don't know what I want. I've thought about those three words and how I say them all the time. First of all I don't just say things just to be nice or to just say them. It's from the heart. I'm a sincere person. I really Love you. Sometimes I feel like I really need to cut back I don't want to seem dramatic or too touchy. I feel like a jerk if I don't say it. However, the reason why I want to cut back is because when I do say it to someone I want it to hit them hard and it not be like oh she told me that yesterday and brush it aside. People tend to become immune to certain things. I don't want the people I care mostly about to become immune to my I Love You's. Thats about all my thoughts for today. This feels good. I think I'll be using this quite a bit from now on. It took alot for me to say these things and I mean it all. Thank you to those who will be taking their time to read this. I Sincerely Thank You.